| wow another year has passed... if this year wasn't crazy i dunno what crazy is... the beginning of this year was awesome with barnum and all that jazz, but with a couple of small troubles. I started to actually make friends...spectacular huh? Mo is one of the most amazing people I have met. Ruth is always ALWAYS honest with me, no matter if I want to hear it or not. It's nice though because she reminds me if I'm doing something that is annoying and such lol.I have strengthed my friendship with Alex and you are always there for me when I need it, thanks for that. He also got me to see Wicked with the help of some spectacular people. And on the last day of May I made another friend...because I'm stupid lol, Brent. A great guy, truely kind hearted with an "evil" outside, he is nevil hahahaha (good one brent) He is who he is, no matter how much he doesnt like himself, I honestly still like him a lot and I know it's not gonna stop for sometime, but being his friends is spectacular. He makes me laugh, gives me new music and is just all around wonderful, even when he picks on me and calls me "bluetard" or "caboose" or pretend kicks me in the face because he knows it practically makes me jump out of my skin. I have people that are happy to see me, even when I'm not in the best mood. which is amazing because this has not been my year. I moved, my mom moved somewhere else, my family is spread across the country and I've been more unstable than ever. but people are still there for me. The family I'm living with... Cait may drive me nuts sometimes but they are so spectacular. I dont know how anyone could be so amazing and let another teenage girl live in their house... they are crazy and wonderful and I can never ever thank them enough. I never want to go back to October it was probably the worst month in my life so far. But I kept going. It's not like I could just...stop...you can't do that you just can't give up, no matter whats happening, at least thats what I thought. so I've just kept pushing myself and kept going. I'm a little energizer bunny only...tall lol But anyone that's listened to my rants this year I want to thank you, and tell you that if you ever need to rant back I'm here to listen! i mean this was an awful year for me, if it wasnt for you guys I would have gone nuts. because I have had such a hard time dealing with stuff. This entire year I have been struggling with all of this crap, but I got up and kept going on because of you guys, all of you. My friends honestly kept me sane. most people have at least one family memeber they are close to, to bounce stuff off of but in august my family member i was closest to went to austria for 4 months, right in the hardest part of this year.... this is where this gets mucho depressing so dont read this if you dont wanna get all sad: Ok so mid january my grandmother died and that threw my mom into a depressive state, It was awful to just walk by her room and have her crying her eyes out, about a month of that was awful...then mid february she got fired from her job of 7 years. She was happy at first but then her depression started to become a little more obvious and she started getting worse with her memory...it's always been bad at least since...2003 or 4 but it was never unbearable...until last year when it got pretty bad, but february it just felt like she gave up on thinking and remembering stuff and my sisters were at college so i was like taking care of myself, not like i hadnt been since marie went to college even woth marie home it still wasnt much better, but back to this year, mom spent all of her time in the garden, I cooked my food I did my homework, I did all of the fafsa college forms for my sisters i even helped with taxes and such, our house was a catastrophe, I never invited people over because there was no way I would ever be able to clean the house that fast and keep it clean... I had school and extra curriculars and sooo much to do, this summer katie helped a lot because she would cook and she tried to organize stuff a little. but at the start of the school year my sisters went to college and austria and I went into hell, all of the stuff i didnt before only this time i was also trying to find my mom a job because her severence pay from the church had run out, and finally in early september she got a job she worked nights so i would work crazy hard all day school then cooking then homework then try to relax...like that was gonna happen, she missed some shifts she would always complain the next day to me about how after 2 weeks this one lady expected her to remeber all the stuff she had been learning by herself, well no shit i would think to myself but she couldnt of course remember any of that. and after one more week she got fired for a second time that year, I would fight with her all the time, when she would drop me off fridays for band i would always work really hard not to cry in front of other people. Saturdays i would show up at band with the rest of the other kids and do stuff all morning while they would practice...because I couldnt stand being at home, it killed me to see her like that, i couldnt stop it and she didnt even know anything was wrong, she still doesnt. play rehearsal was the same as band most days, trying not to cry while trying to be alert and trying to not show how i was feeling, i loved it because i could pretend to be someone that wasnt me, someone whos life wasnt so messed up that they couldnt deal with it anymore. then on the first day of october after having a small spat with my mom at 10:30 at night mom said "how would you feel if we moved to missouri" I have never felt that way before, i screamed in diaproval, cursing at her and i'd never cursed at her before. crying insanely hard, first reaction call mo, she didnt answer, then i thought call caitlyn, i didnt have her cell i got her mom on the phone, making no sense through the intense crying her mom started to try to calm me down while she got caitlyn, caitlyn was of course there for me imediately and she kept telling me i wouldnt leave and they couldnt make me. and she stayed on the phone with me for over an hour. and then my mom tried to talk to me again i refused and went to bed crying and screaming "i'm not moving!!!!" the next day at school it was all i could think about, when i got there i did everything i could to not cry then i walked down the music hallway crowded with people as normal, and someone said the troubadour list is up, my first thought being shit if i made it i can't do it because mom is gonna make me move and then i'll have to tell mr wagner i cant do it, then i thought about how i wouldnt be in the play either... i slowly walked over to the list praying that my name wouldnt be on it (i never ever thought i would wish my name wasnt on the troub list). walking over addison said hi and then i looked, tenors...basses...altos..i looked at the sopranos column and the third name down was mine, addison said congratulations, i looked over at him and burst into tears and ran to the bathroom. flynn and the other kelsey were right behind me and i explained how i might be moving and the tears wouldnt stop. the day continued with a bunch of really hard moments like that i had to talk to mr wagner about all of the stuff i was involved with and he was really great and made me feel better about somethings. when i got home i was immediately confronted with all of the stuff i didnt want to here, i had been offered a place to live but my mom refused to listen to me and so i called my dad in tears, when he said goodbye it was the first time i have ever heard him choked up like that. it hurt almost as much as the fact that i might be moving in like a short period of time. the week was awful terrible sickening tearfilled throat hurting brain hurting probably one of the worst weeks ever...and things got worse because mom just kept tightening her grip on me and it mad me more and more hurt, if i have ever been closer to doing something completely out of my mind it would have been during that week. after way to much to decribe even though i remember it all vividly my aunt came and there were more arguements and crying b ut my mom finally decided to let me stay with this amazing family. i moved the next week, and my moms condition got better in some ways but now is worse in others, my mom has a form of dementia, it is basically killing her memeory, she cant remeber my sisters and my birthdays, she doesnt know her phone number or address, my doctor gave her this little test where a time in numbers was written out and she had to draw the hands on a clock showing what time was written out in front of her, she couldnt do it...she tried a second one and she still couldnt do it. i found this out yesterday (the birthday clock thing) but i knew she didnt know our birthdays, she thought she did but she had no idea...it's heart wrenching knowing your mother doesnt remember the day she gave birth to you and its awful to think that she probably doesnt even know how old you are...she is out of her mind basically and she thinks she is fine she thinks there is nothing wrong except people keep telling her there is something wrong with her. im 16 and i have a lack of a mother, and until recently i didnt have a close relationship with my father, ive always loved him and lovd spending time with him but now i actually feel like there is something there. for a while i wanted my mom to walk me down the aisle when i get married and now i most definately want my father to do it because my mom probably wouldnt remember she had walked me down the aisle about a week after. I can't deal with the fact that my mom will never be the same i know she wont be though... like in school about 2 weeks ago i had a complete meltdown and went to the guidence office because i didnt want to disturb my trig class it was horrible but now my sister is home and i think it will be a lot easier with her back from austria...thank god she is home and thank god for my friends without these things i probably wouldnt be here.... thanks this year is gonna be better than any other, i'm gonna make sure of that... |
